In the shadow of the 6th bush on the right ....

Bloody South Africans and their sense of direction ....

Now I know I'm from London - where talking to strangers and especially foreigners is something to be sneered at as the sort of thing only Americans do .... and where avoiding requests for directions is an art form and sending tourists the wrong way is a respected sport .... but I've always been dead pleased and relieved that in Africa being a foreigner elicits delight and sincere hopes that you like their country ....

In Kenya and other parts of East Africa .... if you were to ask directions ... more often than not nice locals will accompany all the way to your destination .... and won't hear of being taken back to where they started .... (although sadly this is probably because they have little else to actually do ...)

In South Africa ... people aren't quite as nice as to get in your car with you (here in SA - that's called car-jacking) .... and bless their hearts they really do try to give directions .... here in Cape Town - rather than a road name - directions generally start by saying either this or that side of the mountain (Table) .... but nine times out of ten - they're wrong or just ridiculous .... and frankly - however well intentioned - they must just learn to say they don't know ....

So there am I trying to get to one of the swankier hotels at the V&A waterfront to pick up honeymooning Jay and Bindee .... of course - me being me with my highly evolved sense of always taking the wrong turn ... I end up at one of the many other hotels at the water front ... and have to ask the concierge for directions .....

He beams at me .... eager to help the poor foreigner ....

"See sissy .... you know you must turn .... yah right ... turn around ... and then you know the hump .... with the big tree .... it's just there sissy ...."

I was speechless .... This is the centre of Cape Town - does he bloody think we're still in the bush? Why not just say i don't know ... or draw a map ... or give me street names? Instead of "past the waterhole on the left in the shade of the cooliebah tree" ....

Now my South African mates hotly contest this observation - which is held by the way by all foreigners who ever come here .... Priya (a particularly vociferous patriot) sees it as a matter of national pride .... until even she had the following interaction when she got a bit lost ....

"Ag man .... shame you're lost .... you must turn back - and you know that big road with a lot of traffic .... its just by there ...."